remnants of an experiment gone wrong (biyahera) wrote,
remnants of an experiment gone wrong
biyahera

the sound of desperation

i'm down to proposal number 4. finally, i've met my match. this class has successfully and unequivocally broken me. it's gotten bad to the point where i wake up, roll over to my side, and start typing up ideas for my proposal. wow. so you do get to the point where you eat, shit, and sleep thinking about science, or your project in particular.

i have five days to turn in a piece-of-shit proposal, any piece-of-shit proposal. then i have one week after that to learn to defend it and also study the course material--that's replication, transcription, splicing and translation!

i say just fail me now and let me re-take the course next year. i don't care if i'm back in this hellish class.. or that i'm going to be with the recruits whom i've been trying to convince UCSF is an awesome place. at least i can get back to my old antics in class, maybe even take it up a notch. either way just get this fucking over with, please. and somebody bring me more disgustingly helpful red bull!!!

***

to complicate things further, unfortunately, i'm greatly hormonal. in fact, all of my girlfriends and i right now are. and all this stress is letting me simmer in a stew of irrational thoughts and ill-conceived feelings. alone. note to brian: karmela doesn't like to be left alone.

in all fairness, i'm not letting my psychoses show. i'm currently pretending like i don't have a boyfriend right now. otherwise, i'd go all ape-shit on his ass for not giving me enough time and attention. now now before you call me out for reverting to high-maintenance status what i'm trying to say--rather unsuccessfully--is that i'm empathetic to what he's going through so i know i have no grounds to feel forlorn. granted, i should also be devoting every waking moment to writing this damn proposal rather than, say, blog for example. i kinda do [see above example]--not by choice of course. it seems to stem from compulsion. so, i'm focusing on my needs and obligations right now, regardless of our state of affairs, and i'm leaving him to do his own thing.

i'd like to think[/pretend?] that this is some kind of sick and twisted way of acting all mature. after all, isn't the whole independence thing one of the reasons i didn't want a boyfriend in the first place? besides, i've got my own ass to focus on.

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