remnants of an experiment gone wrong (biyahera) wrote,
remnants of an experiment gone wrong

life goes on

so, one quarter of grad school down. it wasn't spectacular and i didn't particularly excel as a student. but i think i was able to let my personality shine and so i've made lots of good friends. i'm confident now that i've made the right choice in coming to grad school and i definitely don't regret going to ucsf. i've done pretty well in my lab. i have to admit that even though it's love at first rotation in a lab full of independently-funded thirty something post docs [MDs, PhDs, and both] i've actually come up with pretty good results. suffice to say, the next few years here will be memorable. and on top of doing excellent science, i know that at least i'll be well-loved here as i was back in davis.

it's also important not to undermine all the tough moments i've had. missing my friends and family was one thing. i distinctly remember blogging less when tragedy struck our family. it's still difficult to relinquish my responsibility as the crazy glue that kept us together. and i can't emphasize how much it saddens me that i'm missing out on their lives, particularly that of my niece and nephew. the silver lining is that we're all becoming more and more independent. i'm making a wonderful life out here on my own and through it all it's clear we're all still looking out for each other. i've been really lucky that my family has been so supportive of all my life choices.

speaking of choices, i've definitely made my fair share of good and bad ones over the last several months. interestingly, i've been happy making all of them.
even though where i go drama follows inevitably, at least i've learned so much from all these weird experiences. the holidays make me keep looking back to the days when i thought i had it all or at least that i knew what i wanted in life. i've realized now that it's just a different kind of happy, what i have now. at least now my flawed self is completely in touch with reality. what matters is that i'm in a constant state of learning and the goal is to eventually not have to commit any mistakes to learn. i'm hoping wisdom really comes with age.

btw, i'm 23 now. it's somewhat unnerving that five years ago my brother got married right on the very day he turned 23. life had very different things planned for us, i guess. he has his family and i have my science. i feel guilty that i'm so devoted to my career. i've chosen to put on hold any dreams of having a family of my own--almost to the extreme that i refuse to get involved in any stable relationship.

but that's something to consider in the distant future. for now, i'm more than content. i have a good life here. and i've got so many things to be thankful for. i'm mostly grateful for the people.

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