remnants of an experiment gone wrong (biyahera) wrote,
remnants of an experiment gone wrong

femme fatale-ity

i've recently come to the conclusion that there are two very distinct sides of me: the single karmela and the *gulp* domestic karmela. they're very different, almost antagonistic in nature, but are permanent subunits of my core personality. yeah i too have been wondering what took me so long to figure this out, but that's another whole topic which i'll discuss some other time.

as of late i've also realized that i love both sides equally. obviously, they each predominate at different phases of my life and certain biases over one persist during those times. but while i've been recently transitioning out of singledom i'm trying my best to reconcile both sides. there've been grave imbalances in the past--i have phases wherein i'm lovesick and others wherein i honestly don't give a damn about relationships. the repercussions of which have turned me extremely paranoid in repeating the same amateur mistakes.

what i like about growing older is i can definitely see myself also becoming wiser. and maybe brian's a better fit right now because he lets me be as much of myself as i want to be while giving me constant reminders of, well, his role in my life right now i guess. i feel almost as if he embraces every aspect of my personality: the science nerd, the video game dork, the horror movie addict, the ocd housemate, the dangerous shopaholic, the fuck-it-all goofball, the pseudo-housewife, and the femme fatale. he doesn't get fazed. in fact, he keeps telling me not to change anything lest i wanna become less interesting of a person. i actually think i amuse him.

last night we went out with a few of our friends to mine and his favorite irish pub to celebrate the end of one of our hell-ish classes. at one point during the evening i finally got fed up with getting hit on every time i go to the bar or even the bathroom. he tried to calm me down--he said i should just take it as [rather obscene] flattery. it was then that i realized that he's so insanely calm when it comes to me even though what attracts us to each other is the fact that we're the same kind of crazy.

i was trying to explain to him, with reiterations from my girlfriends, that it's become my reflex to rebuke any advances automatically. it just makes it easier to have a drama-free night out in the city. although.. free drinks are always welcome as long as the dude doesn't expect anything in return--which very rarely happens. also, i added, i'm a little bit more fiesty than most women because i have this strict standard on how women should be treated. almost 100% of the time men violate it because they probably think that women enjoy cat calls and penis fencing. well, in all fairness i think some women do quite enjoy that but a) they're definitely a sub- sub-population of females [see def. skanks] and b) i know i don't like that shit. lastly, i think i get defensive quite easier than most women do because i've gotten hit on too many times when i genuinely don't ask for it [i mean c'mon, this is why i'd rather be the aggressor than the aggressee so i can just filter everybody else out and pick out the one/s i like]. i'm probably over-compensating for the fact that i think men probably see me as some fragile little thing that they think they can conquer easily. hell, who knows? maybe i just have too much damn testosterone--i'd like to thank my awesome family for letting me grow up this way, btw [nature + nurture ftw!].

the point is, i'm afraid this may be a little weakness of mine that he could deal with elegantly. i think he likes the fact that i can hold my own. it's what makes me a happy singleton. but at the same time he doesn't mind keeping me relatively sane. i think he enjoys playing the role. and in all fairness i do let him get away with calling me 'babe'--an otherwise outrageous crime in my book.

will this be the end of single me? i don't think so and i especially hope not. i like being independent but it seems like this alter-ego only lasts six months at a time. at the same time i'm also ridiculously happy right now as much as i hate to admit it. so.. on with the show. let's see where this goes before i overthink it to death.

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