remnants of an experiment gone wrong (biyahera) wrote,
remnants of an experiment gone wrong

if it was revenge or vindication, then why wasn't it sweet?

a few weeks ago i was talking to andrew on the phone. that's what exes who are still friends  do. we chat online frequently and every once in a while we talk on the phone.

i finally asked him something i've been meaning to get his opinion of. see, brian and i spend a lot of time together. we study together, we eat together, we chillax after school/work together and we spend time with our friends. together. now this always worried me. i mean, as much as i really enjoy spending time with the dude i'm a little paranoid when it comes to maintaining the balance between some me time and some relationship time. i have two reasons why: # 1 i feel like that's one of the main reasons andrew and i lost our individuality and our relationship soured; and # 2 i've learned to appreciate the value of some alone time--one of the reasons why i wanted to stay single in the first place.

so, i asked andrew two things. first of all, is that one of the main reasons why he broke up with me? secondly, should i limit spending time with brian because we might end up the same way? in all fairness, i did have some kind of forethought when i asked my ex boyfriend for some relationship advice regarding the new boyfriend. i know this is iffy territory with exes. i was careful to ask andrew if we were good enough friends now that i could start talking to him about stuff like this. and of course i realize that people are different and circumstances are different so maybe i shouldn't be jumping into hasty generalizations about relationships, both old and new. and in all fairness i don't just saturate my life by spending every waking moment of every day with my boyfriend but it's enough to get me to ask the one who set precendence. i figured andrew and i know each other better than most people do. and of course he's mature enough to handle this conversation--i'm sure he's dealt with the demise of our relationship better than i have.

andrew starts off answering my two-part question by trying to explain why we'd broken up in the first place. this should've made me happy, right? except his explanation was that he doesn't really understand why he wanted out. according to him he just threw some kind of  tantrum and decided he didn't want to be in that relationship anymore without any rhyme or reason. to make matters even more confusing he says his biggest regret was not giving us another chance.

geezus. just when i thought that man could rationalize his way through everything he surprises me with, well, some self-doubt. and just when i thought all men, at least the ones i date, are only made of sometimes questionable intellect, one of them adds to the growing pile of evidence that they can feel. *gasp*

of course i'm being tough on both myself and on the people i choose to care about. that's a guaranteed price to pay for loving and being loved in return. i told him i don't regret anything. i take everything that happened for what it's worth and i would've been happy no matter how it would've worked out. only it didn't work out. so, i've moved on. after our conversation, i didn't feel great realizing that the first person i ever truly loved really did love me only for him to find out after the fact.

in retrospect should i have made him feel worse? after all, i was pretty devastated when we broke up since i didn't see it coming. so now that i find out that neither did he is there any point in letting him know that he should be a lot more careful in making critical choices in life? i've chosen not to talk to him about this further. what's done is done and i like to keep things that way. i'm sure we've both learned our lesson. and either way, i know we're both better people for everything that's happened. even if i had the power to undo everything, i choose not to. the best andrew and i can do is stay friends. and i honestly think we're doing a pretty good job at it.

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